Category: letters

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

An Open Letter to Patrons of the London Underground

Dear Tube Patrons,

Please discover deodorant. When the weather gets up around 20C it's time to learn of its use. I do not appreciate having your sweaty, hairy underarms in my face while trying to innocently travel from Holland Park to Tottenham Court Road. I realise that it's hot, and that we're crammed into little metal containers like sardines, but it's just common courtesy to attempt some personal hygiene so that you don't cause nausea in your fellow passengers.

And speaking of nausea, when leaving the pub late at night after having had a few too many, please empty your stomach contents into the nearest trash receptacle before entering the Tube. I don't think I've ever seen so many people move from one side of the car to the other so quickly before - not even when I saw a well-dressed businessman yark in his own lap years ago.

In closing, I would like to say that London is my favourite city, and I would move back there in a heartbeat if I could afford it, but traveling on the Tube, while cheap and handy, is not as pleasant as it could be. Please work on this.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Pie

Please note that this open letter is not directed towards all Tube patrons, just the stinky, barfing ones.

Yes, we're back. I'll have some details tomorrow (hopefully). In the meantime, you can view a few of our holiday photos here: London photoset at Flickr. More to come.

Categories: letters, irritations, daily life, photographs

.:7 comments | baked by pie at 8.55 PM | permalink:.

Friday, April 28, 2006

An open letter to the mealworms I feed my gecko

Dear Mealworms,

I felt it was important to let you know that my purchasing you for the sole purpose of providing my gecko live food is nothing personal. It's unfortunate that you weren't born of a more attractive species, because as it is, I find it hard to work up any pity for you, writhing away in the purple ceramic dish as my gecko eyes you carefully, shakes his tail, and strikes, munching you down in one bite.

It's not that I enjoy your suffering. It's not that I revel in the pain you must feel in being eaten alive. It's just that not being cute and furry, or sentient for that matter, it's difficult for me to feel any remorse for the demise I have chosen for you.

If it makes you feel any better, your short little existences are not lived in vain. You bring great pleasure and lots of protein to my lovely little reptile. He very much appreciates your self-sacrificing nature. In fact, the only things he likes better than you are the live crickets I give him. Hunting and stalking prey is very satisfying for him, and unfortunately you don't provide much in the way of a chase.

I hope you feel better now that I've had a chance to clear the air. I won't stop feeding you to my gecko, but you should know that we're both very appreciative of your willingness to give up your pre-fattened protein-filled lives for the benefit of the fat stores in my gecko's tail.

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: letters, pets

.:13 comments | baked by pie at 8.55 PM | permalink:.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Open Letter

Dear Jehovah's Witness standing on my porch, dressed like a businessman (although you're not fooling anyone), repeatedly knocking and ringing the bell since you know I'm home because you can see me through the window,

Get off my damn porch.

Sincerely,
Pie


Edit: Kara's comment about telling the religious door-to-door types that she's a witch reminded me of an idea I had way back when - I have a link to it somewhere around here; I may have to dig it out. Anyway, it encouraged me to make a quick & dirty artist's rendition of the pamphlet holder I intend to have installed on the front of our house:

Categories: irritations, letters, photoshops

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 3.32 PM | permalink:.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Breaking up is hard to do

Dear Crappy NW Weather,

I'm sure you have been expecting this letter. Things have been tense between us for quite some time. I've been avoiding you at all costs for several years now, which I'm sure you've noticed, and while I don't mean to hurt your feelings or make you feel inadequate, I do need to tell you how I feel.

We used to have a better, sunnier relationship once. I didn't mind spending time with you, even when you seemed cold, as long as I was properly dressed for the occasion. But it seemed that no matter what you told me the dress code was, I was always over- or under-dressed. I wouldn't have minded so much, but it almost seemed as though you delighted in making sure I was uncomfortable.

And now, I must admit that I'm really rather sick of the sight of you. You destroy my property, turning umbrellas inside out and getting my books wet so they swell to 3 times their original size. You make my friends and family depressed. The sunshine has really gone out of our relationship, and I think it's time to end it. I don't expect you to leave, as I'm the one that's breaking things off, so I will move out of the northwest as soon as I can, but in the meantime I would hope that you could keep your distance.

I don't want to have to take out a restraining order.

Insincerely,
Pie

Categories: letters

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

An open letter to annoying slang and bad grammar

Dear Annoying Slang and Bad Grammar,

I've decided it's time for me to institute corporal punishment for people who use any of your particularly heinous phrases and words. In order to show what I mean, here is a short list of some of your words and phrases which I find unacceptable:
My bad (please replace with 'mea culpa' or 'my mistake'), props, hottie, woot/w00t/any variation thereof, same difference (what does this even freakin' mean?), anything 'extreme', mang, mad skillz (or in general the misuse of 'mad' anything), pr0n, hella, dawg, shout-out, anything ending in -izzle.

There are literally hundreds of thousands of words in the English language. One need only open a thesaurus or a dictionary every now and then to find dozens of acceptable variants to the inanity that is you, Annoying Slang.

I also must complain about your infiltrating the language of newsreaders on television. Is it really necessary to hear someone who is paid to deliver the news dumbing things down for the lowest common denominator? Why don't we keep grammar and language standards and start expecting people to look up words they don't understand instead of turning every story into a single-syllable, grammar-impaired nightmare.

I'd like to end with a note to all users of unacceptable slang:
Please present your buttocks to the nearest Grammar Nazi for punishment after each use of unacceptable slang. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: letters, irritations

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 3.13 PM | permalink:.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

An open letter to Tom Cruise

Dear Nutball,

While I reluctantly admit to being amused and entertained by your recent descent into madness, in all truthfulness, you're starting to annoy me. I hope you can see the irony in your insanity-induced ranting about psychiatry. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with Brooke altogether either - not about the post-partum depression, but with her decision to advertise the fact that she wanted to kill either herself or her child. I can't imagine how the kid's going to feel reading about that later in life. "Gee, my mum wanted to kill me...", coupled with teenaged angst, could have unfortunate results. But that's a rant for another day. At least one of us should stay focused, Tom, and it certainly won't be you.

If this is a publicity stunt, please stop. I know there's a common saying that any advertising is good advertising, but that's not so. I honestly was never a huge fan of yours, but I have to admit to quite liking a few of your films: Vanilla Sky, Eyes Wide Shut, Minority Report. But these days, I can't imagine being able to watch one of your films without being completely distracted by your aggressive "I've learned everything there is to know through Scientology osmosis" stance on every. single. issue. that crops up. You are not a psychiatrist, although it seems as though you should probably start seeing one in a professional capacity.

Which brings me to Katie Holmes and your over-the-top behaviour concerning your relationship. If you don't want people to believe this relationship is a sham, you might want to tone down your behaviour. I don't care how enamoured you are with your new paramour, no one and I mean no one, behaves like that in a new relationship - and if they did, they certainly wouldn't be in that relationship for long. If you really loved her, you might take a second to realise that you're also ruining her career. Not only have you (or Scientology – like it makes much of a difference either way) wrecked her face [pops], but people are starting to wonder about her sanity in staying with you. To further drive this point home, I direct you to the following sites:
Tom Cruise is Nuts
An article about FreeKatie.net - the site appears to be down [pops]

When the men with the butterfly nets arrive, make sure you let them know not to medicate you while you're sitting in your little padded cell trying to chew off your own lips. Personally, I think a little Lithium might go a long way for you, but I'm no expert in psychiatry and medications, as you so obviously are.

In closing, Tom, you may not believe in psychiatry/ chemical imbalances/ insanity, but they obviously believe in you. You might want to have a little listen to the tiny, quiet voice in your head that is being drowned out by the loud, crazy one, because I'm sure if you could hear it, it would be saying, "Shut the hell up, you oaf!"

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: letters, irritations, silliness

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 1.21 PM | permalink:.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

An open letter to other commuters

Dear Weenies,

I'd really appreciate it if you could attempt to practice some common courtesy. There are some things we need to discuss, so turn your blinker off, try to stay in your lane, turn off the cellphone, shut up and listen.

Firstly, you assholes who keep tailgating me when I'm going a perfectly reasonable speed. If there's someone in front of me, I can't go any bloody faster. I'm going to have a flamethrower attached to the back of my car (where oddly I currently have a trailer hitch that seems very out of place). Next time you get so close I can see the nail of the finger you're using to dig in your nose, I will hit you with all it's got and turn you into a Car-B-Que (phrase courtesy of Kaavin).

To those of you who can't stay in your lane and end up weaving back and forth over the dividers, remove the cellphone from your head, shove it up your ass and see if that helps at all. Used to be that you'd see a car weaving all over the road and assume the driver was drunk. Nowadays, it's always some shmoe on a cellphone, undoubtedly discussing how to get rid of that rash or how much it costs to fill up that gas-guzzling SUV these days. We all learned in Kindergarten how to stay in the lines. Surely even you graduated from Kindergarten. So use what you learned.

People who drive below the speedlimit in the passing lane, well now you're something else entirely. Whatever you're doing in your car that's distracting you from driving: mixing yourself a margarita with your cigarette-lighter-powered blender, ironing your slacks, clipping your toenails... whatever it is, stop it and drive the freakin' speed limit. If there are 20 cars behind you all stacked up, just move out of the left lane. There are signs that say, "Left lane for passing only." If you're going slower than the lanes you're meant to be passing, there's a problem. So put down the tweezers and the makeup, or I'll have to get that catapult I've been threatening to install on the front of my car and fling you right off the freeway.

Thank you for letting me get this out. I think my blood pressure might drop a little. At least until tomorrow morning.

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: irritations, letters

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 9.35 PM | permalink:.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Dear Nugget & Oliver,

Thank you so very much for all your affection and unconditional love, however there are a few issues we need to discuss. Or rather I need to complain and you need to listen.

1) When I am eating, I do not want your noses on my plate. Contrary to what you may believe, dog snot does not enhance the taste of my food. And Oliver, if you're drooling, please go in the other room to fling it loose - the last thing I want is a long string of goopy basset drool in my dinner. While it may have worked in the past, do not immediately assume that if you do something disgusting to my food that I will give it to you. Sometimes I wipe it off and give it to Rob.

2) The house is not a track. There's no need to run around it at top speed woofing and tripping everyone you come into contact with. As an addendum to the previous item, tripping me while I am carrying a plate of food so that it lands on the floor and becomes your domain only makes me angry. And you won't like me when I'm angry.

3) This one is specifically for you, Nugget. You are a 15 pound dog. I am a weight-unspecified grown human. You do not need to stretch out so you take up 3/4 of the couch and then grumble at me when I move you. That's the drawback to your being small - I can put you wherever I want you. The house is not yours. It's mine, and I'll thank you to let me use that for which I've paid.

4) Please learn the difference between someone knocking on our door and any small tapping sound. There's also a difference between a doorbell on telly and the one on our house. I don't want to have to duct-tape your mouth shut, but I'll do it. You also do not need to bark at people walking past on the street. They're not coming in, and they're not interested in stealing your chew toys or staking claim to your crate, trust me.

I would appreciate it if you could work on these items. It will enable us to maintain our relationship on a much more even keel. Thank you.

Pie

Categories: silliness, letters, pets

.:7 comments | baked by pie at 12.52 PM | permalink:.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Open Letter to Holiday Shoppers

Dear Crazies,

Thank you for not running me over in the parking lot as I was trying to cross over to PetCo. I appreciate the startling honk of your horn, even though I was in the pedestrian crossing, reminding me that your huge, gas-guzzling SUV was about to leave tread-marks in my forehead. I realise that you're in a huge rush to buy those last minute trinkets for your wife's brother's coworker's ex-boyfriend, and I'm so sorry that I happened to slow you down for an extra ten seconds.

Treading on my toes, pushing, cutting in line, these are all things I've seen you do a lot lately. It's just not in the holiday spirit. You know, if you planned ahead a little, you wouldn't have to be so vicious the day before St. Nick is supposed to be popping down your chimney with gifts rewarding your good behaviour. If Jolly Old Nick could have seen you down at the mall, pulling the last Drakkar Noir gift set out of that little old lady's hands, he would be appalled and leave nothing but coal in your stocking. But I expect he's a bit busy this time of year, and doesn't have time to check up on the holiday sales. I hear those elves are something of a handful.

I would just like to request a little common courtesy and maybe a bit of advance planning next year. And please, please, stop following me to my car in the hopes of getting my parking space. It's just creepy.

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: silliness, irritations, letters

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 11.46 PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

An Open Letter to my Failing Memory

Dear Failing Memory,

We've been together a long time. You've kept me company on many a lonely night and reminded me of comforting things. You've been with me through bad times and good, and have always managed to chronicle my life’s events fairly well.

But I've recently discovered that you've been holding back on me, and I must admit to feeling a little resentful. You've been hiding memories, misplacing previously filed memories and slacking on your chronicling duties. As time goes on, I’ve realised that I’m remembering less and less, and memories that were once sharp and clear are now gone except for the words I’ve written about them.

Anyway, I just wanted to request that you try to keep a tighter ship up there in my brain. I'd really appreciate your cooperation in this. I'm not quite ready to be senile, and you must know how much I long to be dicator of the world. How can that happen if you keep misplacing important memories? How will I remember who to torture and who to brainwash?

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: letters

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