Thursday, December 30, 2004

The things we talk about when nobody's listening

While perusing the TotalFark threads today, I was reminded of a conversation Rob and I had the other night. We were talking about some guy on telly taking the fact of being dumped at the altar surprisingly well and telling the dumper in question that all he wanted was for her to "be happy". I said personally if that were me, I'd hunt her down to the ends of the earth and make her life a living hell, not wish her well.

So he responded, "Wait, isn't that married life is all about? That living hell thing?"

I said, "Yeah, because I know right where to find you all the time. Which saves me time hunting you down - I can put all my energy into making you miserable."

Yeah, I need a hobby.

Shamelessly stolen from my own comments on Fark.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 2.45 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, December 23, 2004

Open Letter to Holiday Shoppers

Dear Crazies,

Thank you for not running me over in the parking lot as I was trying to cross over to PetCo. I appreciate the startling honk of your horn, even though I was in the pedestrian crossing, reminding me that your huge, gas-guzzling SUV was about to leave tread-marks in my forehead. I realise that you're in a huge rush to buy those last minute trinkets for your wife's brother's coworker's ex-boyfriend, and I'm so sorry that I happened to slow you down for an extra ten seconds.

Treading on my toes, pushing, cutting in line, these are all things I've seen you do a lot lately. It's just not in the holiday spirit. You know, if you planned ahead a little, you wouldn't have to be so vicious the day before St. Nick is supposed to be popping down your chimney with gifts rewarding your good behaviour. If Jolly Old Nick could have seen you down at the mall, pulling the last Drakkar Noir gift set out of that little old lady's hands, he would be appalled and leave nothing but coal in your stocking. But I expect he's a bit busy this time of year, and doesn't have time to check up on the holiday sales. I hear those elves are something of a handful.

I would just like to request a little common courtesy and maybe a bit of advance planning next year. And please, please, stop following me to my car in the hopes of getting my parking space. It's just creepy.

Sincerely,
Pie

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Monday, December 20, 2004

Pie-ty

I was thinking that I need to start a new religion, with me as the messiah, of course. I think poor Rob is really starting to worry about me, especially since I told him that as of right now, I have 6 minions who are poised and waiting to do my bidding. Of course, 6 isn't many, which is why I need to expand my operation a bit. So I started to think about what it is that makes a religion appeal to people. I was raised Jewish, and attended Catholic and Episcopalian boarding schools so I've seen how a few of them work, although I myself have distanced myself from all organised religion since I was maybe 12 so I'm a little out-of-touch. Some religions are really quite cult-like, but not quite enough for my purposes. I really need a hook that will convince people to give me all their worldly possessions and surrender their will to me. And without any of this insanity involving flying saucers or heaven under the South Pole.

There has to be a central theme of the cult er religion, so I decided to go with fear (seems to work pretty well for Christianity - no offense intended to any Christians out there). Of course, I will need my followers to fear me, but there also has to be a basic tenet, a truth, based around fear to lure them in to begin with. After long and arduous thought, I decided upon the following:

1) Sexual perversion brings you closer to your saviour (i.e., me).
2) Sugar makes you stronger and smarter. If you inject it directly into your veins (in a diluted solution, of course! Can't be irresponsible and kill off my followers before I'm ready), you will be more powerful than you've ever dreamed possible.
3) The sun is a device created by the government which sends out not heat/light rays but mind-control waves. You must stay in my special sun-resistant bunker to avoid having your mind controlled (by anyone but me). Therefore you will have no need for your homes, cars, possessions - you might as well sign 'em over to me before moving in. Top bunks are most popular, so get here early if you want one.
4) To move up in rank within the church, you must recruit at least 5 converts. This is true for every rank.
5) Free love is a basic principle of my new religion. That ought to bring in the men by the truckloads.

Please send $5 and an SAE to my PO Box if you're interested in receiving more information. Thanks to TotalFarkers sfmissionm and brazil for the suggestions.

.:12 comments | baked by pie at 3.25 PM | permalink:.




Amusing links

I try not to make posts where I'm just linking things, but I had a few that needed to be shared today.

Scary Santas. I particularly like #24 who appears fed up with the whole thing, #9 who seems to be planning to use the guise of Santa to break into people's homes and kill them in their beds, and #11 who I think is crying, himself.

Top 10 ways to make a 4-year-old cry. Useful info.

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Friday, December 17, 2004

It's been a long strange week, with very little sleep. First and foremost in my mind, I've realised that more likely than not almost everything on my birth certificate is a flat-out lie. I always knew that they'd changed it (it says it was amended 6 months after my birth right on the certificate), but I'm now doubting things I'd taken for granted before. It's all rather bewildering. I'm not really searching for my birth parent(s), I would just like to have access to medical records, to see if there's anything hereditary I need to watch out for. So, with all this swirling around in my brain and taking up space, I leave you with a few disconnected thoughts for today.

Have you ever thought about the fact that the air you breathe was once in someone else's nose, mouth or lungs? How gross is that? I mean, I know I'm a little uptight about germs and microbes (you have to say that in a low, ominous voice) already, but when I really think about where the air I'm breathing has previously been, I feel a little queasy. Don't even get me started on breathing in other people's explosive gas or chewing gum in public bathrooms.

Have you ever wondered how many people there are in any given crowd that have killed someone? No, I know, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Thanks to Nez for the linkage to the Road Rage cards. I'd seen those around, but never really looked at them before. Now I'm definitely going to have to get some. And here I thought I was the only person that yelled some of those things. It's good to know I'm not alone in my overwhelming rage.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 1.00 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, December 14, 2004

What a yutz

Percentage-wise, there are far too many stupid people in the world. How did this happen? Surely the median IQ should be higher than it appears to be. I was under the impression that 100 was an average IQ, so why is it that most people I meet seem to be hovering somewhere under the 80 mark - you know, the type that can't scratch his ass without a map and some hands-on assistance.

My solution is to have these people readily identifiable. Make them wear t-shirts that say "I'm with stupid" (and an arrow pointing up towards the wearer's face rather than to the side). That way, on any particularly bad day, I can know to avoid people who are likely to make blood trickle out of my ears after a five minute conversation.

Some sort of mentally-deficient/handicapped sticker for their cars would probably be valuable, as well. This way, the moron who nearly rammed me this morning would be forced to use the "intelligence disabled" lane on the freeway.

I bet my blood pressure would go down.

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 3.03 PM | permalink:.



Monday, December 13, 2004

I was a little sad while driving to my work Christmas party on Friday night to see that the little house in Tacoma that used to be covered (and I mean covered) in tacky Christmas decorations appears to have been sold. They had everything: multiple light-up snow-families, festive pink flamingo lawn ornaments, lighted nativity scene, reindeer, tinsel, elves, multiple Santas, giant candy canes and gingerbread houses, sleds, and lights, lights, lights. Their yard, their roof, and their outer walls were absolutely covered from front to back and top to bottom with tacky crap that lit up at night.

You couldn't really see what was going on inside the house, due to the glare, but having driven past it when it was not Christmas (they didn't actually take the decorations down, they just stopped plugging them in) you could see the windows were blocked with piles of junk inside the house. I can't imagine who lived there or who would want to move into that house, but it seems that they're gone. We drove past the house the other night and there was nary a Christmas light or decoration to be seen.

Of course, if they were in my neighbourhood, I wouldn't have thought it was so funny. But we have our own issues with our redneck neighbours. They may not have 5 million light-up christmas decorations, but I still expect any day now to hear, "Hey y'all, watch this!" followed by a loud explosion. And when I do, you can be sure you'll hear about the gory aftermath here.

Final Note: Thank you all for your kind birthday wishes =) I appreciate it!

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 2.24 PM | permalink:.



Saturday, December 11, 2004

Happy birthday to me



So I ventured into the land of the little-people on Thursday. I filled in as tutor to a student in a literacy programme for the regular tutor who wasn't available that day. It's really weird going back into an elementary school after so long. Everything's so small, and it has its own distinct smell - it's the same in all elementary schools. I was suddenly transported back to my own schooldays, and it wasn't really a good trip.

I was one of those in-between kids at elementary school - not popular, not unpopular. But I apparently had a penchant for torturing students younger than myself. My best friend Felicia and I had the brilliant idea to break into the storage room beneath the girls' gym and set up a scene. We sat a chair in the middle of the room, facing away from the door, covered it with stuff so that it appeared (in the dark, from a distance, with your eyes half-shut and gummed-up with sleep) that someone was sitting in it. The door had a glass panel in it, so you could see into the storage room.

After the scene was set, we grabbed some first graders and told them a long, sad story about the scary man who lived under the gym and how he'd come to be there. Then we took them down there and told them to look into the window. As they ran screaming away, Felicia and I just laughed and laughed.

Ah, the sweet innocent laughter of children. Brings joy to your heart, doesn't it?

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Friday, December 10, 2004

An old favourite



... and a new one

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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Thursday, December 09, 2004

Good Advice

It's not what you say to a woman, it's how you say it. You gaze adoringly at her and say, "When I look into your eyes, time stands still" - you don't say, "Your face would stop a clock".

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 12.44 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Things that intrigue me:
1) Eyebrows
2) The odd shark-like behaviour my dachshund engages in after taking a walk with his halter on
3) Why my local coffee shop [they have fantastic coffee I will say in their defense] can't make a freakin' coffee any warmer than tepid dishwater
4) The strange tent my redneck neighbours have erected in their yard

People that annoy me:
1) People who can't drive, particularly those who drive like they're constipated.
2) People who fart as they're walking past your cube, so it wafts in and lingers.
3) People who think they're better than I am, since we all know that I'm better than everyone else
4) You know who you are.

My Christmas list 2004
1) An army of trained monkeys to do my bidding
2) My own theme song
3) Some doggie diapers and a dog-nanny to change them (don't even ask)
4) World domination

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 11.18 AM | permalink:.



Monday, December 06, 2004

A little Monday introspection

I'm going to be serious for a minute here, bear with me.

10 years ago in November, through some unfortunate circumstances, stupid decisions on my part and extremely bad luck, I ended up homeless, penniless and friendless in London. This was a difficult time in my life, which had already been replete with difficult times, and it certainly wasn't something I'd ever expected to happen to me, even during my dark period of addiction as a teenager.

I spent my 22nd birthday alone on the streets of Soho, curled up in a doorway behind a nightclub. I'd chosen a doorway directly across the street from several brothels, mainly because it had a vent that blew hot air out into the street, thus keeping me reasonably warm. I met some very interesting people, some kind and some that should have been removed from the gene pool, and I learned a lot about humanity, having been given the ability to see it from a completely different perspective. Most people ignored me, stepped over me, looked anywhere but at me. There were those who felt sorry for me and brought me food (I particularly remember one man who brought me a box of fried chicken every Wednesday evening without fail and never asked for anything in return). And then there were those who felt that they could take advantage of a young, desperate homeless girl - and this unfortunately was the most common type of person I met during that time. I spent my free time at the National Gallery, the Tate Gallery or the library; sketching, reading, using their bathrooms to wash, and generally avoiding the street as much as possible. I tried to retain as much a sense of normality as possible, which was extremely difficult when I had no change of clothes, rarely ate more than once every two days and needed to be constantly on my guard against those who would hurt or take advantage of me.

I don't believe in fate or a higher power or any of that nonsense, but I was lucky enough to meet someone who helped me to get out of this horrible situation. This was the third time someone or something intervened in my life to save me from an extremely bad situation. It's been said to me numerous times that I'm very lucky to be alive - that by all rights I should be dead, and I honestly believe that to be true. But on that fateful, drunken night in January 1995, at the Royal George on Charing Cross Road WC2, I met Rob. He might not look like much of a knight in shining armour, but he certainly has been mine.

I was lying in bed last night unable to sleep, as usual, and pondering how much different my life might be right now if I'd never met Rob and he hadn't been able to help me get back on my feet. And I just wanted to let him (and the rest of you) know how much I appreciate all he has done for me. I am so unbelievably grateful to Rob for my being here at all, giving me the ability to bore you with long stories, stupid photoshopped images and general bitchiness.

.:14 comments | baked by pie at 2.49 PM | permalink:.



Friday, December 03, 2004

Caption Time

Leave your caption in the comments, please. Winner gets something good [although I guess it all depends on your definition of 'good'] this week. Click on image to view full-size.



.:7 comments | baked by pie at 5.29 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, December 02, 2004

Pie for All

I think it's time to state my intentions of running for President in 2008. All things considered, I figure I'm about as viable an alternative as Nader. The following are some of the changes I intend to make once I'm elected.

People who can't drive the speed limit will have their licenses summarily removed.

Mispronouncing words such as nuclear or library, brain-melting grammar and bad spelling will earn you a year in the language clink, where you'll be taught proper grammar, spelling and speech.

Waitstaff with visible coldsores will be forced to clean toilets until said coldsore has healed.

People who have problems respecting personal space will be forced to live within large hamster balls.

Mandatory nap and snack times every afternoon.

Lewis Black will write all presidential speeches.

You will all bow down to me and obey my every whim. Scratch that. After I'm elected is the time to let you know I plan to take over the world, not before.

And now for something completely different. Random hound images:

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 6.30 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, December 01, 2004

Randomness

grrrrtweetgrrrr

whooooooooooosh

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 1.07 AM | permalink:.