Monday, November 29, 2004

Living the Life You Want

I would like to request a halt to all the herpes medication advertisements on telly. Am I supposed to understand that these products will enable herpes sufferers to go cycling, windsurfing, hiking and generally wander around with a light and carefree step? The companies always remind us during the course of the ad that there is no cure for genital herpes and that it may still be transmitted to others even while taking a product which professes to stop outbreaks. So why are these people so happy? Seems to me there isn't much to be so ecstatic about. Surely catching some virulent disease as a result of a drunken romp in the back of some mulleted barfly's El Camino isn't something to be happy about. Even if you are able to "suppress" the outbreaks. And it's all about supression. Apparently.

I say we should have some realism here. Not graphic images of herpes for the sake of sensationalism, but rather showing what it might actually be like for these people to live with herpes. The way the ads run now, it almost seems like getting herpes and then taking Valtrex or something similar will improve your life - I don't know about you, but I don't get out windsurfing much these days.

Please Note: No offense intended to any herpes sufferers out there. Offense certainly intended to the advertising agencies behind these stupid commercials.

.:7 comments | baked by pie at 3.53 PM | permalink:.



Sunday, November 28, 2004

Why I Hate the Holiday Season (or How I Stopped Celebrating and Learned to Grinch)

You know what I hate about the holiday season? The all-pervasive sound of Christmas music, no matter where you go. While you're squeezing through the mall, searching for that elusive perfect gift for the brother of a distant relation's neighbour, being shoved from all directions and having your feet trodden by people who seem to be wearing cleats, all you can hear is the jolly sound of "Here Comes Santa Claus". Well, if Santa Claus was on his way to the mall, someone ought to warn him to wear his steel-toe-caps and bring a few elves for protection.

Why anyone thinks that shoving holiday decorations and music down your gullet constantly for a month will put you in the mood to spend money, I don't know. What I do know is that this year, I'm putting a taser on my wish-list, because it's just not safe out there. I have a sneaking suspicion that most of these people are harbouring some sort of weapon in their socks and at the slightest sign that you're about to grab the last Don't-Touch-Me-There-Elmo, will slit your throat and write a warning to other shoppers with your blood.

And then it's all over in a shred of wrapping paper, a carcass of turkey and a dead pine tree shedding needles all over your carpet. Two days later, the kids have lost all interest in their new toys, have conveniently "lost" any clothing gifts they may have received and are already complaining that they didn't get what they asked for. So you hit the January sales, hoping to return the dancing plastic christmas tree and ever-so-cute red sweater with what appears to be a reindeer pooping on a snowman, and fighting with the same shoppers you tried to avoid being stabbed by just a week before.

Yup. Makes me all warm and tingly.

From the Best of Pie collection. I couldn't put it any better now.

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 2.45 AM | permalink:.



Friday, November 26, 2004

You say it's your birthday, We're gonna have a good time



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROB!!

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 12.09 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, November 25, 2004

Give Poultry a Chance

It's Turkey-Day. As usual, I'm going to ignore the more serious issues surrounding this holiday in favour of a more pressing one - the wishbone.

Who was the first person who grabbed one of these flimsy little y-shaped bones and thought, "Hey, I bet if you tear this thing apart, it'll bring good luck. Here, you grab that end and pull on three." It boggles the mind.

Actually, I wonder if good luck might be had from tearing apart other turkey bones. Or possibly the bones of other species - like maybe humans, just off the top of my head. Although, in the grand scheme of things I'd guess that while snapping my redneck neighbours' necks might be very satisfying, it would probably bring about rather more bad luck than good. And in the end, I'd be sharing very close quarters with a large, hairy roommate affectionately nicknamed Bertha the Biter who wants to dance with me.

So. Who wants to grab the other end of this thing? Anyone?

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 4.29 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, November 24, 2004

An Open Letter to my Failing Memory

Dear Failing Memory,

We've been together a long time. You've kept me company on many a lonely night and reminded me of comforting things. You've been with me through bad times and good, and have always managed to chronicle my life’s events fairly well.

But I've recently discovered that you've been holding back on me, and I must admit to feeling a little resentful. You've been hiding memories, misplacing previously filed memories and slacking on your chronicling duties. As time goes on, I’ve realised that I’m remembering less and less, and memories that were once sharp and clear are now gone except for the words I’ve written about them.

Anyway, I just wanted to request that you try to keep a tighter ship up there in my brain. I'd really appreciate your cooperation in this. I'm not quite ready to be senile, and you must know how much I long to be dicator of the world. How can that happen if you keep misplacing important memories? How will I remember who to torture and who to brainwash?

Sincerely,
Pie

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 1.35 PM | permalink:.



Monday, November 22, 2004

ABC meme - can't quite remember who I stole this from. I spent the end of last week finishing my new image gallery so I haven't really had much to say. Therefore, you get a pointless meme today. Woo.

A - Age: 31
B - Best feature: My smarty-brains and my lust for world domination. Although that might not be a feature.
C - Car I first owned: Neither Rob nor I had owned a car before moving to WA in 1999 but the first car we owned together was a 198? Ford Tempo (what a piece of crap that was). I made him sell it within maybe a month.
D - Depeche Mode song: Clean
E - Easiest person to talk to: Rob, of course.
F - Farthest from home that I’ve traveled: Depends on where "home" is, and I'm really not sure about that.
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: I'm not really a fan of gummy things in general, unless it's actual gum.
H - (Real) hair color: Greyish dark ash blonde. It's a horrid colour, which is why I've been dying my hair since I was 13.
I - Instruments: Piano, keyboards, drums, harmonica.
J - Jellybean flavor: Don't they all taste the same?
K - Kids: Two fur-covered boys.
L - Longest car ride ever: Who the hell knows.
M - Mom’s name: Evelyn
N - Name that was almost given to me: I'm pretty sure my parents had my name all picked out before I was even adopted.
O - Oldest living relative: My dad's mum turned 90 earlier this year.
P - Phobia[s]: Germs, microbes. Give me a few years, and I'll be Howard Hughes without the jars of urine.
Q - Favorite Quote: "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
R - Reason to smile: Rob and the boys.
S - Song I sang last: Sex Type Thing by STP
T - Time I wake up: 9.30 or 10am. One of the benefits of working part-time.
U - Unknown fact about me: Unknown. Obviously.
V - Vegetable I hate: Aubergines. And squash. Wait, is squash even a vegetable?
W - Worst habit: Smoking. Used to be drinking too much.
X - X-rays I’ve had: Many - both knees, lower back, neck/upper back, head. Also had MRIs on all of those except my knees. I'm hoping I'll either be magnetic or radioactive one of these days. It'll all help in my push for control of the world.
Y - Yummy food: Cheese. I can never have enough cheese.
Z - Zodiac sign: Sagittarius. And you know deep down you want me to rule you like a despot.


.:1 comment | baked by pie at 12.40 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, November 18, 2004

Reader Participation Day

Today I'm giving you two choices for images to caption, since last week no one answered the question. You can of course leave captions for both images if you want. So get your propeller-beanie on and get funny. Click on the images to view them full-size.

Fun With Captions

.:12 comments | baked by pie at 2.12 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The lunatic is in my head

I've decided I need a job with the Weekly World News. I can photoshop images better than most of the ones they print, and with all the pain medication I take, I ought to be able to come up with some ridiculous stories to go with them. I mean, how hard can it be to come up with this: MOST POODLES ARE GAY!? Seems pretty obvious to me. And I could have 'shopped this article's accompanying photo much better than this: ACTOR SUES AFTER FAULTY HAIR DRYER SHRINKS HIS HEAD!. I wonder how one goes about telling a newspaper you'd like to lie for them.

Of course, not all their articles are pure trash. Here's a helpful article on how to find out if you've been abducted by aliens: HAVE YOU BEEN SNATCHED BY SPACEMEN?. My personal favourite is #18, "Abductees almost always have a keen or even fanatical interest in UFO sightings and extraterrestrials..." - except they forgot to add that abductees are usually missing some teeth and have some very tangled and diseased family trees.

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 3.18 PM | permalink:.




I am so sick of 'reality' TV. It just smacks of laziness on the part of the networks. My favourite type of show to watch is the sitcom, because I can always use a good laugh. But these days, networks aren't even trying to put out sitcoms because for the most part they always bomb, not to mention reality shows are cheaper. Everything's either an hour-long drama/soap or a reality show. The only new show I ever really watch is Scrubs (is this even still on?) which is admittedly hilarious, but pretty much everything else I watch on TV is either on Animal Planet or a rerun (or a rerun on Animal Planet).

So in light of all the crap on TV these days, I've decided I want to move to the 80s. I realise most of what was on TV back then was also crap, but at least it was sitcom crap - and I admit to having a soft spot for shows like the Golden Girls. Besides, there was never any swearing on TV back then, not even words like "ass" which we all know is one of those words that leads to worse curse words, then drugs, murder and mayhem. And no one wants that.

I need to invent a time machine solely for the purpose of allowing people to vacation to other decades. Stop by our gift shop first and pick up some flourescent plastic shoes and a case of hairspray before you go! I'd make a fortune.

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 1.03 PM | permalink:.



Monday, November 15, 2004

Rhythm of Black Lines

You know what I don't understand - why don't people tell you when you've got schmutz on your face? I just happened to get a glance of myself and realised I had a great big blue smudge on my cheek. I could have been walking around the building like this for hours. People have smiled and nodded at me passing in the cubicle farm (but not laughed, from what I can see - at least not to my face), and not one person was kind enough to say, "Oi. You've got smurf-juice on your cheek there."

Reminds me of a job interview I had at [insert leading e-commerce site here] a few years ago. It was an all-afternoon deal - I had to interview with four different developers and write extensive code on whiteboards. Since I'm relatively short, I couldn't reach the top of the board and had to keep erasing bits I'd already written to make room for the rest of the code to solve whatever fictional problem they'd given me, so by the end of it my hands were covered in that powdery-inky substance you get from dry-erase pens. I was introduced to all the guys on the team, various other people we passed on the way and thought all was going well - although I'm sure you can gather by now that I didn't get the job, even though I was one of the top three finalists. I made it all the way home before I realised I had black smudges all over my face, from forehead to chin. Probably why they didn't hire me. "That girl’s obviously a little on the slow side. Can't even keep the pen off her face. We can't possibly hire her."

At least, that's what I tell myself at 2am.

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 2.04 PM | permalink:.



Friday, November 12, 2004

Brad Goodman's Inner Child Workshop

Have you ever really thought about the concept of an "inner child"? Maybe it's just me, but it seems sort of creepy to think of some other little being living inside me, like some parasitic, soul-sucking alien. If there’s an inner child, is there an outer child? Because according to Rob, I’m just one big child (actually he describes me as a 3-year-old with a credit card). So if I behave like a child on the outside, what does that make my inner child? Maybe I have an inner adult.

The bigger question is, of course, can I blame my inner child for mood swings, stupid behaviour and needing an afternoon nap? Or for eating chips and ice cream for dinner? Can I extract it and send it to work in my place so I can sleep in? Can I teach it to drive and make it chauffeur me around? I just want to know if there's any practical reason to have an inner child. If not, I want my money back.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 3.08 PM | permalink:.




…and then I killed her. She didn’t say ‘please’.

Is it just me or is it really rude when a coworker starts rummaging around on your desk and in your overhead bins without asking, or indeed saying a word to you, while you’re sitting at your computer? She’s lucky I didn’t have a weapon handy. What I need is a small electric current hooked up to various parts of my cubicle and a button beneath my desk so I can randomly shock people who feel it’s okay to just start going through my stuff. I mean, really. At least wait until I’m not sitting there watching.

Right now I’m waiting with bated breath until 1pm to find out the verdict on the Laci/Scott Peterson trial. Unfortunately with all the juror upheavals over the past few weeks, there’s no guarantee which way it will go, although I certainly hope that if he’s acquitted that they’ll find another charge they can try him on. My issue with this is that they probably shouldn’t have tried for “murder one” without any direct evidence connecting him to Laci’s death. All the evidence seems to be purely circumstantial. They’d have been better off going for a lesser crime with a better hope for conviction. But then, I’m no law-talking-dude, so I could well be talking out of my ass.

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 12.41 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, November 11, 2004

Human contact: the final frontier.

So I had to jump on the Blog Explosion bandwagon. If you don't know what that is (and I can't imagine anyone doesn't at this point), it's a sort of traffic exchange for blogs. It's boosted my hits considerably, although I've noticed no one votes or comments - at least for me. It's really addictive, and I've been spending my evenings browsing all the random blogs out there. I've bookmarked several great new blogs and added a few to my blogroll. So I thought as a cross between plugging Blog Explosion and the whole Blog it Forward thing I've seen on so many blogs recently, I'd give you a selection of blogs I discovered. Whew. That was a lot of 'blog' to squeeze into one paragraph.

Buzzstuff. This guy is funny, plain and simple.
niteowl.tv. Not quite sure how to describe this one, but it's amusing and well-written. And his latest post is about filming a porn movie. What more could you ask for?
The Fine Line v3.0. A witty, intelligent and entertaining blog.
This post sold me on this blog. The cartoons are great.
The Second Time Around. Yet another witty, intelligent female blogger.

And any Blog Explosioners passing through, why not just stop and say 'hi'? Just don't track mud on my floors.

.:15 comments | baked by pie at 9.36 PM | permalink:.




Fairy Tales, Take 2

Once upon a time there was a young shepherd named Rob-serf, who was desperately in love with the princess, Pie-Ella. He worked in the fields tending the royal sheep, but spent his days on his back in the grass, staring up at the clouds and dreaming of Pie-Ella. He knew that she was out of his reach, but that did not stop his fantasies.

Rob-serf’s boss laughed at his hopes of winning over the fair Pie-Ella. “She is out of your reach!” he taunted. “You are not good enough for her!” But Rob-serf was determined to win her heart.

His wages as a shepherd were not much, but he saved every coin in a large ewer he kept behind a loose board in the barn loft. When he had enough, he purchased a bouquet of the most beautiful blossoms he could afford, red and blue and purple and gold in a spray so bright it made him glow in anticipation of Pie-Ella’s reaction to such beauty. As the sun began to set, he headed toward the castle, trembling with nervousness. He crossed the moat, crocodiles snapping at his feet, and stood quivering at the imposing wooden door. He rapped the knocker solidly three times and waited.

A manservant answered and asked Rob-serf his business. “I’d like to present these to the princess,” Rob-serf said as bravely as he could, holding the bouquet out in front of him. The manservant laughed heartily and slammed the door. Rob-serf, dejected, dropped the flowers on the bridge and moped his way back to his flock of sheep.

As he lay on his bed of hay in the barn that night, a malevolent snake sidled up to his ear and began whispering a fiendish plan to Rob-serf. All night he whispered and cajoled and hissed, while Rob-serf slept soundly, suspecting nothing.

In the morning, Rob-serf was suddenly overcome with an urge he’d never had before. He took what remained of his savings, although it was not much, and made a trip into town before the rest of the shepherds were even stirring in their beds. He made a purchase at a dark and seedy market-stall on a side street and took it, wrapped in oily cloth, back to the barn.

He sat outside the barn on an overturned bucket, waiting for his boss, not doing anything but watching the sunrise. When his boss finally arrived, Rob-serf pulled out his new purchase and shot an arrow right into the center of his forehead. As his boss was still falling to the dusty ground, Rob collected the rest of his arrows and headed towards the castle, where he was determined to exact revenge on the manservant who had so laughed at him the night before.

The blood ran deep and wide that day, Rob-serf made his mark on the castle and the land. When the day was over, the rivers were thick with blood and Rob-serf slowly walked down the road, his bow and arrow over one shoulder and Pie-Ella in a duffle bag over the other.

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 1.35 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Reader Participation Day

I think I'm going to make this a regular feature every Wednesday. So join in. Pretty please? C'mon. You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it.

Caption Time:

Click the photo for full size.

Question Time:
If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

Please leave your answers in the form of a question in the comments. Thank you, come again.

.:11 comments | baked by pie at 12.10 AM | permalink:.



Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Slip me a roofie

So we have the 3 Stooges and friends re-roofing our house at the moment. I know Rob already blogged about this, but damn it it's my house, too. Rob took the day off yesterday to calm the poor hounds' nerves, since all you could hear was bang bang BANG BANG. All. Day. Long. and poor little Nugget was having a nervous breakdown. Anyway, halfway through the morning, there was sudden silence outside, which I found somewhat suspicious since it seemed they were determined to mine their way into our house. Turned out one of the workmen had fallen off the roof. He fell off the roof of a two-story house because they forgot to bring harnesses. This didn't fill me with confidence. Anyway, he didn't die or anything (at least as far as I know - there are some strange dug-up looking spots on the lawn, but I'm not asking any questions).

I had an odd and unpleasant staff meeting today. Well, more odd and unpleasant than usual, anyway. I was doped up to the eyeballs in order to be able to sit in one of those chairs without being able to get up for two hours, which didn't help me stay awake. Then I had to listen to 16 other people drone on and on about what they're doing with hardly a pause for breath. On top of which, someone sitting near me had apparently eaten cabbage for lunch and decided to join the esteemed cult of surreptitious farters. Imagine having to breathe in toxic fumes for two hours while trying to stay awake and not vomit across the table and you'll have some idea of how my afternoon went.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 6.28 PM | permalink:.



Monday, November 08, 2004

Here in my car...

The other day I was driving to work and it was absolutely pouring (no surprises there - we probably won't see sun again until next May). There was an SUV in front of me weaving all over the road, and as we passed the Washington State History Museum, I swear he deliberately swerved to hit the massive puddle in the right gutter, thereby drenching the poor sad sacks at the bus stop. What could possibly possess someone to be such an asshat? I've decided I need to start carrying a large bucket of water for just such an occasion. At the next light, I'll just pop out of my car, run up to his window and dump in the contents of said bucket. Ah, satisfying.

And speaking of driving, what is it about people who drive Subarus? Specifically the Outback. I don't think I've ever seen someone drive one of those at the speedlimit. They're always at least 5mph below. My question is - is this because the Outback calls to people who can't drive the speed limit or does the act of purchasing the Outback suddenly cause people to lose their ability to drive properly? Either way, it just makes me long for a bulldozer attachment/catapult on the front of my car. Sigh. [No offense intended to any Subaru-drivers out there.]

.:12 comments | baked by pie at 6.24 PM | permalink:.




Random Silliness



ow my eye

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 1.04 AM | permalink:.



Sunday, November 07, 2004

I came across this today [Open Letter To The Democratic Party] and found it incredibly well written. It explains a lot of my indecision regarding who to vote for in this election, only better than I could ever hope to explain it. It's really the venom that she speaks about that really bothered me so much about this election. I couldn't have a civil conversation with anyone about politics because if you state that you're not sure about Kerry, they immediately brand you a Bush voter and hence a moronic, evil, baby-killing bastard. And that's being kind. I don't understand why there had to be so much hatred for people who voted a different way. Why is it that I have to go to blogs that I usually enjoy and read about how much they hate people that voted for Bush and calling all Bush supporters really vile names? It's not right and it's not helping.

I'm not going to say which way I voted in the end, because it's really no one's business but my own, but like the girl who wrote this piece I struggled for a long time because neither candidate really spoke to me. I wanted to like Kerry, I really did, but he made it really hard. I followed the debates, articles, news (and even each candidate's personal sites) regularly - from news agencies leaning in both directions in the hopes of getting at least some semblance of the truth. And in the end, I still wasn't any clearer. But I resent the fact that Kerry supporters believe that everyone who didn't immediately jump on the Kerry bandwagon is an idiot - whether they were a Bush supporter or just undecided (I heard a considerable amount of venom tossed in the direction of undecided voters as well). I am most certainly not an idiot - I have more life experience than most people my age, education and a very high IQ (not that IQ means much). I don't think that not being keen on Kerry makes me stupid.

But then, I'm not keen on Bush either. They both have very serious failings in different areas. So the question for me was figuring out which failings would affect me more personally. So don't leave me vicious comments about how evil and stupid I am because you now believe I voted for Bush. I won't say who I voted for or which way I lean, because as I said, it's no one's business but my own. Anyway, that's my one and only political rant. I'm done.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 6.30 PM | permalink:.



Friday, November 05, 2004

Holy crap my office is cold today. I expect to see a team of sled dogs running past my cube any minute now. I don't know why they can't keep the temperature at a reasonable level in this freakin' building. Every day this week it's been like hell in here - hot enough to melt the skin off a mule's butt - but today it's like being in the arctic. Enough already. Either fix the temperature or issue us with bikinis or skiwear at the entrance to the building depending on the weather inside.

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 2.15 PM | permalink:.




Rob's band has a show tomorrow at Fenders again. I'm determined to bring my camera this time, since all the photos taken last time came out so badly. The guy who was doing the photography (I'm not naming names) was standing way too far back from the stage. It's not rocket science, you think he'd have been able to figure out that if he's too far away, the pics won't turn out. Oh well. I've said it before but it bears repeating: I really need to carry my camera everywhere. There are a hell of a lot of weirdos out there just begging to be photographed. I always end up kicking myself for not having any means to record the weirdness I witness.

On a completely different note, I made a momentous decision this week. I'm giving up alcohol. Completely. Utterly. Not a drop shall pass my lips from this day forth. I had kind of a scary incident on Saturday night after the Halloween party, and it's urged me to reevaluate some things. Anyway, I don't think I'll miss it - I'll just be more antisocial... but I like being antisocial.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 12.37 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, November 04, 2004

I'm Not Dead!

I consider myself something of a horror aficionado, but I realised this weekend that there are still a lot of notches missing on my horror-film bedpost. Rob and I were talking this weekend about what films to rent for Halloween and I noticed that a lot of the so-called classic films are the ones I haven't seen. For instance, I've never seen any of the Friday the 13th or Halloween movies.

Anyway, we ended up renting The Day After Tomorrow (just because I'd been wanting to see it - and what a let down that was) and Hellraiser. We didn't get around to watching Hellraiser until last night. And may I just say what a steaming pile of crap it was? I was expecting a lot more scare and a lot less ick. It wasn't scary, there was almost no plot, and the gory bits looked way too fake. I understand that the film is getting on for 20 years old and I don't expect miracles in special effects, but still. I could have come up with more convincing fleshy sludge in my bathtub using stuff from my fridge.

My favourite horror films of all time are the Puppet Master series (they're just so cheesy!), The Serpent and the Rainbow, American Werewolf in London, Braindead (okay, it's not really horror), 28 Days Later, and of course classics like The Birds and Psycho. Now I'm scared to get any of the older horror films I feel like I should see, in case they're as crap as Hellraiser. Now that's horror.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 12.47 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Reader Participation Day

Fun With Curses
Tell me your favourite curse. Example: May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your errogenous zones.

Fun With Captions
Give this photo a caption:


Please leave your answers in the comments.

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 2.42 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Politics, Shmolitics

Ah, yes. It's Erection Day. Since everyone has gone completely mad about politics (I don't think I've ever seen such a vicious election), I'm pointedly ignoring the subject. So here, have some silliness I made last night, instead. I hope you all remembered to write me in on your ballot.







.:6 comments | baked by pie at 12.49 PM | permalink:.