Friday, January 28, 2005

You know what annoys me? More specifically than everyone and everything, I mean. People with cellphones. And before you ask, yes I do have a cellphone, but it's generally turned off. I basically keep it for emergencies such as calling for help after my car has broken down on a lonely freeway on a dark and stormy night while a strange man wielding a bloody an axe is heading in my direction. I don't understand how people can sit in a quiet waiting room holding an extremely personal conversation at top volume on their cellphones. If the person in question were sitting next to the person he was talking to, the conversation would be much more subdued. But for some reason, as soon as the asshead gets on his cellphone, he broadcasts every little gory detail of the unfortunate sexual liaison he had the night before, resulting in a strange rash which brought him to the doctor's waiting room in the first place.

There was a woman in my office who constantly had personal conversations about her kid's bowel movements, his school and/or behavioural troubles, and her marital problems at the top of her voice. You'd need a jackhammer to drown her out. But I noticed she was always louder on her cellphone than she was on the office landline. I suppose part of it is that the reception probably isn't as good which it necessitates yelling so the other party can hear you. But then, why would you want to advertise the size and shape of your kid's latest foray into the bathroom? Or for that matter, why would you be following him in there to check? Surely those types of conversations can wait until after work. And really, think about the poor sap on the other end of the line. Does anyone really want to know that much detail about her life?

Don't even get me started on the weenies who drive with their cellphones glued to their heads, when they should really be shoved roughly and without lube up their ample rear ends.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 1.42 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Signs of the Apocalypse

Well, Rob brought it up on his blog so although I wasn't going to mention anything, (anyone who's read me longer than a week must know how close-mouthed I am about my life) now I have to. Things have been kind of odd and unsettling round my way recently. Rob and I have actually begun discussing the idea of adopting a kid in realistic terms like work, tax credits, day care. It just seems so strange to me to even consider the idea, since I never thought I'd get married or have kids. I never really wanted to get married or have kids. I guess I'm just doing that weird thing called growing up. Although I doubt I'll ever really grow up - what fun is that?

Obviously, we're still just discussing it, and we haven't really made a decision one way or another. If we do decide to go ahead with it, it'll still be a few years off I'd think. I told Rob if we adopt, I'm going to name the kid Pi and there's nothing he can do about it. It's good for children to face bullying every day at school. Builds character.

I was bullied for two hours every afternoon after school before having to walk 5 miles uphill in 10 feet of snow to get home, and I liked it. Damn kids today just don't know how good they've got it.

.:5 comments | baked by pie at 3.46 PM | permalink:.




Happy Hump Day

So. It's that time again. Leave your caption in the comments. Enjoy!


click on image for full-sized version

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 1.43 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, January 25, 2005

While watching a commercial for an older film which is being shown on tv:

Her: Didn't you like that film?
Him: Yeah, I think so... a long time ago.
Her: Ah, yes, BP.
Him: BP?
Her: Before Pie.


.:2 comments | baked by pie at 1.08 PM | permalink:.



Friday, January 21, 2005

Cheery story for a Friday afternoon

Once upon a time there was a small, pretty, gray rat named Ophelia. She lived in an old, but still occupied, office building where she built her little nest on the overhead ceiling tiles inside the crawlspace. During the winter the building was toasty enough for her to walk around naked, and in the summer the humans kept it nice and cool so she wasn't forced to shave her fur.

The cubicles were like a heavenly buffet for little Ophelia. Each night, she dropped gently from the ceiling and went prospecting for crumbs, spills and the occasional discarded half-sandwich. She was fat and happy, cozy and comfortable. But there was one thing missing from her life. She had no rat to share it with. And sometimes this made her very sad.

She didn't want to leave her perfect existence within the man-made cubicle zoo, but feared that if she didn't find a rat with whom to share her life and make baby-rats, she would never feel fulfilled. So one day, she packed up her meagre possessions (her luggage was a toothpick with a small twist of tinfoil on one end that she carried like a hobo) and headed down the air conditioning duct into the parking garage.

Once outside, Ophelia pulled her little napkin-cloak tighter around herself and glanced up and down the street warily. She headed towards the nearest sewer grate, thinking she'd find a nice bit o' rough down below the city streets. As she set foot out into the street, a large furniture truck pulled over to the curb and rolled right over Ophelia, crushing and killing her instantly.

The moral of the story is, it's safer to stay in your little rut. Bet you didn't see that coming.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 1.55 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm a huge technophile, but I realised today that there are some serious drawbacks to life in a technological age. I was getting ready for work this morning, and had just shot off one last email to Rob when *poof* the power went off. No problem, right? I'm already pretty much dressed and ready, so all I need to do is grab some water and yoghurt out of the fridge, lock the dogs up and head out the door. Except I realised that I was trapped. Without power, there's no way to open our garage door. This is unbelievably stupid. Without power, I can't get out of my own house. Well, I can get out but my car can't.

Of course, once I finally got on the road, my road rage in dealing with the morons who have to drive 20mph below the speed limit merely because Noah's Ark is sailing by convinced me that I probably should have stayed home anyway. I mean I'm all for driving safely, but really, if you're driving that slowly you shouldn't be on the road. It just gets me all riled up and that much more likely to cause bodily harm to a coworker once I get to work. And I'm pretty sure I can't use that as a defense in the ensuing murder trial.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 11.52 PM | permalink:.



Monday, January 17, 2005

Interestingly enough, I saw a large boat filled with animals cruising along in the breakdown lane on my way to work this morning. I was a little offended when one of the hyenas leaned out and flipped me off, so I swerved into a puddle and drenched him. Score one for me.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 12.16 PM | permalink:.



Sunday, January 16, 2005

Photo finish








Gingerbread chalet - built by the Leroy Construction Co.


.:2 comments | baked by pie at 12.25 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, January 13, 2005

A girl and her utility belt

I'm sure you've all noticed that I haven't quite been myself lately. I've been a lot more serious (well, as serious as I ever get) which probably explains my drop-off in readership. Where'd you all go? [Insert snivelling here]. Come back.

Eh, that was pathetic.

I was thinking that I need a secret identity; one I can use to go out and cause mayhem and bloodshed. I don't think I'd like to wear a mask though, so I'd need some other way to conceal my identity. Prosthetics would just be too much of a pain in the arse to put on and take off, face-paint probably wouldn't disguise me quite enough, and surgery is too permanent. Maybe what I need is a whole-body costume - I could be SuperPanda (I'm at work, so you'll have to imagine I've photoshopped a cape and utility belt onto him). There I'd be, all cozy and unrecognisable in my panda-suit where I'd finally be able to distribute justice as it needs to be distributed. People who cut in line, for instance - well SuperPanda wouldn't stand for that! SuperPanda would twist the perpetrator's arm painfully up behind him and frog-march him to the end of the line and then duct-tape his shoes to the floor. By the time he got loose, the people he'd tried to cut in front of would be long gone.

Or what about those asshats who don't clean up after their dogs? Well, now. SuperPanda would drag them from their homes, complete with collar and leash, and rub their noses in it. I figure it would only take one punishment to stop that behaviour.

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 1.35 PM | permalink:.



Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I don't understand people who take reading material into public bathrooms. It's like they're advertising the fact that they're going to be in there for an extended period, and we all know what they'll be doing. It's people like that that cause me to hold my breath when passing the men's loos at work.

On a different note, I'm seeing my pain management doc again today and will be able to get a refill on my pain medication, so you'll probably be hearing from me more often again. Between a nasty bout of gastroenteritis over the holidays and running out of painkillers, I haven't been feeling very loquacious. Please forgive me. I'll do my Hail Pie's and promise to be better in the future. Of course, there's also the recent sponsored membership to TotalFark - I'm totally addicted, so it's pretty much taking up all my spare time.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 1.21 PM | permalink:.




Word rant

I was reading the list of words and phrases that should be banished from the English language (and I use the term "English language" loosely) for 2004 and realised that I didn't even recognise some of them. Where have I been? I definitely agree with a few of them, such as "metrosexual", anything including the word "bling", and "shock and awe". Some I just don't care about because I never hear anyone use them. But I tell you right now, if I ever hear someone say "LOL" out loud, I will beat him or her silly.

There are words I'd rather banish than those listed in the article, more in line with this article by Lake Superior State University. Not to get all political on you, but in keeping with their wanting to get rid of the phrase "red and blue states", I'm waiting for people to stop immediately assuming that every conservative is an idiot. Yeah, I'm waiting. I'll probably be waiting a long time. I'll let you in on a little secret - I consider myself to be a liberal conservative. And that's all I'm saying about that. But I'll tell you something else, I'm no idiot. And neither is my father, who is an admittedly rabid Republican. I don't agree with most of his views, but that doesn't make him stupid. He's far more intelligent than I'd say about 90% of the people out there claiming to be smarter purely based on who they voted for.

Anyway, enough of the politics. Next, I'm moving on to slang that I just don't get. Anything ending in "-izzle", as I said above anything containing "bling" and weird spellings/pronunciations like "beeyotch" I just don't get. I tell you the whole language is being bastardised, and it always makes me think of 1984. Let me readjust my tin-foil hat for a second. I'll get back to you. They might be listening.

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 11.33 AM | permalink:.



Monday, January 10, 2005

Here's some useful information for all you men out there with grouchy wives/girlfriends. How to Argue With Females. I refuse any responsibility if your girl subsequently kicks you out, forces you to couch-surf or kills and buries you under the basement floor after your trying these tips. Link shamelessly stolen from TotalFark.

Rob and I had a pretty low-key weekend. We're sort of planning our trip back to London later this year, and contemplating what, if anything, we want to do for our 10-year anniversary. Holy crap does that make me feel old. Rob is of the mind that he'd like us to renew our vows and have some kind of party/reception. Personally, I don't want to pay for other people to eat & get drunk; I'm stingy like that. I'd rather do something simple like visit the pub where we first met on our anniversary (and arrange our trip to London to coincide, of course). Is renewing your vows too hokey? Too cheesy? Too expensive? Anyone have thoughts on the subject? Of course, it's still five months away, but it can't hurt to think about it now, I suppose.

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 1.31 PM | permalink:.



Friday, January 07, 2005

Ever had a revelation that changes your whole way of thinking? I've always said that if I could go back to my past, my childhood in particular, that I wouldn't change anything because it's all gone to make me into the person I am today. But I realised that that's a totally inane way to think. What's so great about who I am now? It was pointed out to me that if I had had a different childhood, I might be a much better person now - more outgoing, happier, more secure and confident. So why on earth would I not want to change it? So now I'm thinking how much I wish I had a time machine. It was easier to be in denial and say that I wouldn't change anything. Now that I think about it, I'd change pretty much everything.

Too bad I don't believe in reincarnation - I could hope for better in the next life. Bah.

And now, stolen from Nezbit the Cat, I give you a random meme. FQ TOPIC: Time.

FQ1: What's something you often must do that's a complete waste of time?
Sitting in my little, tiny, cramped, shared cubicle at work. But at least I get paid for it.

FQ2: Who's a public figure you wish would stop wasting everybody's time?
Where do I start? Britney Spears (and that trailer park husband of hers), Almond Roca from the Apprentice... er I mean Omarosa, all politicians, Bovril Lavigne, well really half the 'musicians' out there today. I could go on, but I won't.

FQ3: What's something you'd like to do more of if you had extra free time?
I'd like to join a new band (I do have the time, just not in good enough shape physically right now to do it). Most of what I'd like to do more of is based on the fact that I can't right now because of my back, rather than not having time to do it.

FQ CLOCK: What time is it where you're at right now, and what time zone are you in?
It's 12.26pm, and I'm PST. Everyone in my office has gone out to lunch leaving me here all alone. Still, it's nice and quiet and gives me plenty of time to fart around instead of working.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 12.27 PM | permalink:.



Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Have you ever noticed that animals have no sense of personal space? Sometimes I'd just like to sit my little dachshund down and explain to him the facts of life - no, not the birds and the bees, something far more important: the concept of personal space and what's likely to happen to him when he repeatedly violates mine. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate his unbridled love and affection, but there are just times when I want to yawn in peace without the fear of a small, hairy dachshund face trying to cram itself into my mouth.

He seems to think of me as his personal playground. He'll climb up and down, jump over, wriggle under and generally behave like an insane jack-in-the-box whenever I sit still long enough for him to clamber up onto my lap. Not only that, but I'm really not a fan of ass-breath wafting into my face while I'm trying to enjoy a cup of coffee.

What's doubly annoying is that when he needs downtime, he goes and curls up in his crate. When I need away-from-dogtime, I have to escape upstairs behind the baby-gate where he can't reach me. Not that he hasn't managed to squeeze his way past it a few times. Nugget really brings new meaning to "needy". Basically, I just need a way to teach him to respect my personal space. I am not a lollipop and don't want to be constantly licked. I am not a jungle gym. I do not want you with me day and night. Sometimes I need a little alone time.

And stop looking at me like that. I refuse to feel guilty. Damn it.

.:7 comments | baked by pie at 4.41 PM | permalink:.



Monday, January 03, 2005

The official State of the Pie address:

So it's a new year. Whoopee. Here's hoping that 2005 is a better year than 2004 was. All in all, I didn't really do a whole hell of a lot last year. I'm stuck in a job I hate, my spine is getting much worse and I can't see much to look forward to. On the plus side, Rob and I are as strong as ever and the hounds are still lovely little pains in the ass.

A new year is, of course, a time for reflection so I'm going to bore your pants off for a moment or two. Feel free to skip this.

After making the momentous decision to give up alcohol a few months ago, I still wondered if maybe it was too drastic a decision. On New Year's Eve, Rob and I went to a dive bar to hear a friend's band and for once, Rob got to be the drunkard. But that evening really reinforced that my decision was the right one. All night I kept thinking, "I'd be having more fun/I'd be more sociable/I'd be happier if I could have just one drink." I know that doesn't seem like much, but I've had several problems with addiction in the past, and I know that alcohol is a crutch for me if nothing else.

And anyway, it was much more entertaining to watch Rob get drunk. There he was trying to adopt some guy's grandparents, thinking he was best mates with everyone. He's definitely from the "I love you, man" school of drunkenness. Duuuuuude, you're my best hic! friend... hic!. Sadly, there was no pantsless dancing. Maybe next year.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 2.00 PM | permalink:.



Sunday, January 02, 2005

I was thinking about the phrase "scaring the hell" out of someone. Does this mean that in the normal course of things that I have hell in me? And if it gets taken out by whatever means, wouldn't that be a good thing? I have this vision of some fiery pit down below my stomach (maybe that's where heartburn starts...) with little guys in red suits poking my organs with pointy sticks. Which then got me started on how this hell would be exiting the body, once it was scared out. I can't think of any orifice from which I'd like hell to exit, personally.

I'm going to start saying "you scared the morality out of me", instead. That ought to give me free reign to get away with whatever I want.

.:7 comments | baked by pie at 3.51 AM | permalink:.