Saturday, September 22, 2007

If anyone's still out there, I'll be moving to a new site shortly (as will Rob), where I will be posting more regularly again. If you're interested in the URL, please email me (remove "NOSPAM" from the email address on the right) and let me know who you are, and I'll send you a link when it goes live.

And one of these days I'll be back to write about our absolutely amazing trip to Hawaii this week to see the last Nine Inch Nails show of this tour, the only US date, and the last NIN show featuring the band's current lineup. Pics from our trip (well, most of them) can be seen here: Flickr.

And watch this on YouTube. You won't regret it.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 7.19 PM | permalink:.




Friday, October 05, 2007

What Trent Reznor has been doing since the tour ended

* Washed a months' worth of delicates in the bathtub
* Weight lifting. A lot.
* Called Jeordie White 3,429 times and hung up
* Put out a bowl of milk for the neighbour's cat
* Watched 18 hours of Ren & Stimpy
* 4 hours of sweating & grimacing practice in the mirror
* 23 calls to Aaron North to ask "whatcha doin'?"
* Baked a banana cream pie
* Downloaded all his own albums illegally
* Painted the dog's toenails a lovely shade of pink
* Sent box of dead flowers to Jerome Dillon

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 1.23 PM | permalink:.




Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Presidential Pageant 2008

I've decided that we should start electing our officials the same way reality show or beauty pageant winners are selected. People are always complaining that there's not enough interest at the polls on election days, yet people are tripping all over themselves to waste however much on calling in their favourite American Idol contestant. So what we need to do to get buttocks back in the booths is to combine the two.

First, you'd introduce each contestant.*

[Announcer]: Please welcome Dereck Odonna. He's a 45 year old, married Junior Senator from Illinois who enjoys reading, skeet shooting and golf. His most embarrassing moment was falling from a second floor balcony while attempting a keg stand in his freshman year at Columbia. [Odonna smiles brightly and waves at the audience.]

[Announcer]: Next we have 63 year old Judy Foolyummy, Mayor of NYC, who describes herself as a romantic pragmatist. She enjoys sunset walks through Central Park, swimming in the East River, and tasering unleashed dogs. [Foolyummy curtsies and winks]

And now, on to the first competition: the talent portion of our show. Judy, you'll be showing off your skills first. What will you be doing as your talent?

[Judy]: I'll be twirling a flaming baton to the musical stylings of Warrant.

[Announcer]: Sounds great, Judy! Whenever you're ready.

... { insert baton twirling act here, possibly lighting part of the set on fire } ...

[Announcer]: That was just wonderful, Judy. Thank you. Now Dereck, that'll be a tough act to follow. What do you have planned as your talent?

[Dereck]: I will be playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the kazoo.

[Announcer]: Wow! That's very original, Dereck! Go ahead, when you're ready.

... { insert ear-bleedingly awful kazoo caterwauling here } ...

[Announcer]: I don't envy our judges having to make a decision between these two talented contestants! Great job, Dereck.

[Announcer - much, much later]: Our final event of the evening will be the swimsuit competition.

... { Judy enters first, wearing a stars and stripes bikini with tassels over the nipples. As she crosses the stage, she twirls them in opposite directions to thunderous applause. She's shortly followed by Dereck, clad in a skimpy lime green Speedo which leaves little to the imagination. Topping off his outfit is a matching lime green bow tie } ...

[Announcer]: Thank you both. You've been wonderful contestants, but now it's time to open the phones for voting.

Will you choose musical Dereck, who wants world peace and looks fantastic in a Speedo, or will you choose Judy, who has some strange sores probably caused by her frequent swims in the East River, but nonetheless manages to look quite fetching in her bikini? The choice is yours. Call 1-900-URA-DINK now!


* Disclaimer: any resemblance to any politicians living or dead is entirely coincidental. Mostly.

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 6.15 PM | permalink:.




Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Place your bets, folks

I've decided that since there are no bookies that will take this bet for me, I'm opening it up to the internet as a whole.

Which will give out first: my spine or my sanity? Pick one.
__ Pie will have a nervous breakdown
__ Pie will end up crippled

Winners get to drive me to either the local laughing academy or the hospital. [What do you mean that's not a good prize?] Losers can kiss the fattest part of my arse.

And here's a silly picture of a monkey.
Who me?

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 11.56 PM | permalink:.




Friday, April 13, 2007

Rectal Exam or Tax Day?

So it's just about Tax Day. That wonderful day when we collectively bend over and take it in the arse (hopefully on a metaphorical level, but who am I to judge if that's your sort of thing?) from the Internal Revenue Service, or as I prefer to call them the Iniquitous Raping Scourge.

It really annoys me that I have to account for every penny I've earned, every penny I've spent for which I hope to claim a deduction, save every relevant receipt and paycheck stub, and then at the end of it all, I realise that my boss hasn't withheld enough from my wages, and I've got to just bite the bullet and allow them to rudely shove a (hopefully) gloved hand up my arse and yank out another grand or so.

And yet, where's the government's accountability? I'd really like to see some of their receipts. I'd like to know why politicians can't have a business lunch at Denny's rather than some 5-star establishment. Considering what the patrons of Denny's restaurants are like around here (and I use the word "restaurant" loosely), I'd think the politicians would fit right in with the usual clientele.

The freeways undergoing destruction renovation around here are positively littered with signs claiming "It's your nickel, watch it work". I don't remember being asked if they could spend my tax nickels on ripping up the roads for the next 7 or 8 years. Seems to me that they only just finished ripping up the roads from the last fucking project. Come to think of it, I wasn't asked about that one, either.

So. In conclusion, I think I'm going to write to my local congresspeople and request a detailed spreadsheet of their deductions, income, and all of their income tax returns for the past 5 years. I think it would be truly edifying. The $5,000 government hammer may be a very old joke, but I'm guessing you might still find a few excessively priced items in current politicans' receipts. And if I know where they're going to spend these huge wads of cash, and from whom they're buying these ridiculously overpriced items, I can get in on the action. Please, Governor Gregoire, keep me in mind next time you're willing to spend $10,000 on a haircut. I'll get a Flo-Bee and do it for you for a mere $8,000. Think of the savings. And I'll even take payment under the table so neither of us will have to claim it on our taxes.


One final note: RIP Kurt Vonnegut. You have been my favourite author since I read Cat's Cradle when I was 12 (well, tied with Anthony Burgess), so much so that I named my dog after you: Kurt von Nugget. You will be very, very missed. Rest in peace.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 10.04 AM | permalink:.




Monday, December 11, 2006

Okay, on three - everybody sing

[sung to the tune of Happy Birthday, of course]

Happy Birthday to Pie
We'll do your bidding or die
We submit to your command
and we'll give you our land

Or... you know... something to that effect.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 7.47 PM | permalink:.




Tuesday, December 06, 2006

How to assemble your mail-order Pie®

File under: "Useful Instructions"

The wait is finally over and you've received your Pie® in the mail. What now? Simply follow these easy instructions for assembly of your Pie®, and you'll be wondering how you ever survived without one in no time!

Parts Included:
Two (2) arms
Two (2) legs
One (1) head
One (1) brain
One (1) torso
One (1) Beatles obsession
One (1) NIN obsession
One (1) caffeine addiction
One (1) nicotine addiction
One (1) partially functional spine*
* Please note that no replacement parts are available for this item

Required Tools
The following tools are used to construct the Pie®:
  • Soldering iron
  • 20-gallon fish tank filled with electric eels
  • Drill & 10mm drill bit
  • Time machine
  • Slide rule
  • One (1) tank of pure oxygen
  • Funnel
  • Spirit level
  • Schroedinger's cat (but only if it's alive)
  • One (1) pie slicer
  • One (1) pair Wonder Woman underoos

Assembly Instructions
  1. Insert tab A (see fig. 1) into slot B (see fig. 2) to attach the head to the torso
  2. Use soldering iron to solder edges together
  3. Ensure that brain is inserted into skull. If brain is not included, please contact manufacturer as the Pie® is useless without one.
  4. Attach arms and legs to torso (see fig. 5-8)
  5. Insert funnel into mouth, pour in liberal amounts of coffee
  6. Attach ears to jumper cables
  7. Shock the Pie® until signs of life are observed
  8. Fill immediately with coffee, or you run the risk of your Pie® shorting out, which is not covered by your warranty

One last note, please do not use your Pie® for any activities not expressly recommended in our marketing materials. The Pie® has a a low patience threshold, and Pie Co., Ltd. will not accept liability if you lose an eye.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 9.02 AM | permalink:.




Friday, November 10, 2006

A random local news broadcast

[Newscaster Bob]: Good evening, everyone. Tonight on K-R-A-P Evening News: roving gangs of pigeons wreaking havoc on local bakeries, a report on why people enjoy sex from a team of researchers with too much funding and nothing better to do, and a shocking story about an armed fugitive who may be hiding in your attic right now. Julie?

[Newscaster Julie]: Thanks, Bob. We lead off tonight with a heartwarming story about a cat rescued from the roof of a nursing home. It was a tense few hours, but heroic firefighters managed to use a ladder to reach little Fluffy and bring her down safely, to the applause of the watching crowd. Fluffy had a tough few hours, but she's home now and just fine. Bob?

[Newscaster Bob]: Well, that's great news, Julie! I'm so glad to hear that Fluffy made it down from that roof safely. After the break, learn how your tap water is toxic and how to avoid being poisoned.

-- 10 minutes of commercials --

[Newscaster Bob]: Welcome back. In a few minutes, we'll be discussing the toxicity of your tap water, and what drinking it is doing to your internal organs, but first: 500,000 people killed in a flash flood in a third world country that we know you don't care about in some city that you care even less about. But that's a lot of people, so we figured we should at least mention it. Back to you, Julie.

[Newscaster Julie]: Well, thank you, Bob. Make sure you stay tuned to hear our shocking report about your tap water and how it's slowly eating away at your stomach and intestines. But before we get to that, let's go over to Stan for your 5-day weather forecast. Stan?

[Weatherdork Stan]: Well that was some lovely weather we had today, wasn't it, Julie?

[Newscaster Julie]: Ha ha. Yes, lovely weather for ducks! Ha ha. Please tell us you have some good news, Stan!

[Weatherdork Stan]: To be honest, it looks like 6 more months of the same. This is Washington, after all. Evolutionarily speaking, we should all have webbed feet by now.

[Newscaster Julie] & [Newscaster Bob]: Ha ha. Hilarious, Stan.

[Weatherdork Stan]: Stay tuned for our comprehensive weather coverage, coming up!

[Newscaster Bob]: Thanks, Stan. And remember to stay tuned for our exclusive coverage of toxic local tapwater. You want to make sure you watch this report, it could be a matter of life and death!

[Newscaster Julie]: That's right, Bob. Stay tuned, we'll be right back!

-- 10 minutes of commercials --

[Newscaster Julie]: Well, thanks for watching, that's all from us tonight. Make sure you tune in for the K.R.A.P. Late Night News exclusive report on the toxicity of your tapwater, and a police warning about the armed fugitive who may be hiding in your attic.

[Newscaster Bob]: Goodnight, folks!


[Me]: Wait. Wait! WAIT, damn it! Where the hell was the actual news in that?

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 12.40 PM | permalink:.




Monday, November 06, 2006

The real story of Genesis

1:1 - In the beginning, god created the superstore and the express checkout lane.

1:2 - And the carpark was without parking spaces, and empty; and no orange high-intensity lighting had yet been installed.

And god sat down on the toilet with the latest issue of Playboy (which he only read for the articles) and thought for awhile.

1:3 - God said, "Let there be Ikea!", and there was Ikea.

1:4 - God saw Ikea, and it was good. God divided Ikea from the high-end furniture stores.

1:5 - God called Ikea "cheap but sturdy", and the high-end furniture stores he called "expensive, but don't require building the furniture yourself". There was a sale, and a delivery, one purchase.

1:6 - God said, "Let there be an area rug in my living room, and let it separate my feet from the cold hardwood floor."

1:7 - God bought the area rug, and separated his feet from the cold hardwood floor, and it was so.

1:8 - God called the area rug "cozy." There was a sale, and a delivery, a second purchase.

1:9 - God said, "Let the couch be placed against the far wall, with a coffee table before it on which to rest our coffee;" and it was so.

1:10 - God called the couch "luxurious", and the coffee table on which to rest one's coffee he called "convenient." God saw that it was good.

1:11 - God said, "Let the wall be adorned with a 60" flat-screen HDTV-enabled plasma television, and speakers suspended from the ceiling bearing surround sound;" and it was so.

1:12 - The television brought forth shows, the speakers supplied surround sound; and god saw that it was good.

1:13 - There was a sale, and a delivery, a third purchase.

1:14 - God said, "Let there be track lighting on the ceiling to highlight my artwork; and let there be window dressings to keep prying eyes out of my house."

1:15 - "And let there be lamps to illuminate the room, which can easily be dimmed or switched off when watching a film on my fantastic 60" flat-screen HDTV-enabled plasma television;" and it was so.

1:16 - God made two great leather recliners with built-in speakers: the greater recliner made of leather with built-in speakers, and the lesser recliner made of tweed but with a built-in massager. He also made the TV Guide.

1:17 - God set the TV Guide on the coffee table to assist in finding television shows.

1:18 - and to keep the viewer from being confused, and to make sure the viewer wouldn't miss his favourite show. God saw that it was good.

1:19 - There was a sale, and a delivery, a fourth purchase.

1:20 - God said, "Let the coffee table be filled with bowls of popcorn and bottles of beer, and let the bathroom be located conveniently close by."

1:21 - God created the mini-fridge beside the couch in which to store ice-cold beer, and the microwave with which to prepare popcorn and snacks. God saw that it was good.

1:22 - God blessed them, saying, "Be tasty, and satisfy, and fill the stomachs of the tv watchers."

1:23 - There was a sale, and a delivery, a fifth purchase.

1:24 - God said, "Bring forth the television remote;" and it was so.

1:25 - God made the DVD player and TIVO for recording and watching prerecorded shows and films. God saw that it was good.

1:26 - God said, "Let us make television viewers in our image, after our couch potato likeness, and let them have dominion over the Nielson ratings."

1:27 - God created couch potatoes in his own image, out of widgets he found at Ikea. In god's image he created them; couch potato and couch potatoette he created them.

1:28 - God assembled them. God said to them, "Be drunken and lazy. Enjoy the crappy reality shows I've created for you. Have dominion over the Nielson ratings, and make sure good shows are cancelled in favour of monster truck rallies and fake wrestling. "

1:29 - God said, "Behold, I have given you everything you need with which to become a couch potato. It will be your entertainment."

1:30 - "For you to access every show on the networks, and every series on cable, and every foreign channel available on satellite, I have provided a remote;" and it was so.

1:31 - God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. There was a sale, and a delivery, a sixth purchase.

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 11.16 AM | permalink:.




Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Pie's Dating Service, Part III
Further reviews and analysis of online personals, and today I'll be focusing on ads from women seeking men. Please note that these are all real ads I found on the interweb. And with that frightening thought, let's get started.

Title: Poopalicious
Text of ad: ..."I consider myself an old soul" ..."So now on a serious note. I think any form of the word "poop" is funny, I can laugh at almost anything including myself quite easily, whenever I go bowling my name is always "Vagina", contrary to popular belief, I actually DON'T like putting puppies and kittens in burlap sacs to throw them in the river, its just good money." All righty. So she considers herself an "old soul". I'm no expert on the origin of that phrase, but I'd guess that anyone who finds poop and vaginas to be excessively amusing probably isn't such an "old" anything. I'll admit that occasionally a little toilet humour can tickle my funny bone, but it's hardly the height of hilarity now that I'm no longer 6 years old. And I don't even know where to start with the comment about drowning cats and dogs. Is it just me or does that sentence make absolutely no sense?
Perfect Match: That jackass on "Jackass".

Title: The Hasslehoff to my Berlin
Text of ad: "Hi, I win at life and here's why:"... blah blah blah for 912 more words. Holy verbal diarrhea, Tolstoy.
Perfect Match: Tolstoy. If he wasn't dead.

Title: where my man-whores at?
Text of ad: ..."um. let's see. i am what is typically known as feminina awesomeii"... English, please. "man, that sounds super pretentious"... I'm guessing pretentious people don't use the word "super" all that often, so I think you're safe. "i like music lots"... [What is she, twelve?] "i like other people who like the things that i like, or who can convince me to like the things that they like." Ow. My brain.
Perfect Match: A male teen gay prostitute. Apparently.

Related posts: Pie's Dating Service, Pie's Dating Service Part II

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 1.25 PM | permalink:.




Friday, September 15, 2006

Good Morning, Starshine

Wow, it's been a long time. I guess I just haven't felt like I've had much to say. Rob and I have just recently submitted our adoption dossier to China, so I've been putting energy into thinking about that lately, rather than coming up with more insulting material about celebrities and/or other annoying people.

On another note: since I apparently am too incompetent to use crutches in the manner for which they're intended, I decided to devise a list of other uses I can find for them. Feel free to add any others in the comments.

Other Uses For Crutches:
* "Innocently" tripping people walking past my desk at work
* Poking people under the conference room table when they try to pawn work off on me (finally I see the benefit of working in a male-dominated industry - better targets)
* Playing air guitar to old AC/DC albums
* Living room croquet
* Reenacting the Black Knight scene from Monty Python's The Holy Grail
* Scaring the wussiest dog alive, Oliver - I swear he thinks I'm some kind of cyborg
* Poking drivers who have their windows open at stop-lights
* Keeping those vicious, killer northwest raccoons at bay when going out at night

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 9.29 AM | permalink:.